God Speaks Out on "The New Morality" Ambassador College Department of Theology
Chapter 18
Engagement — and Wedding Night
ONCE A COUPLE are engaged to be married — then what? What should be their standard of conduct? Virtually everybody, today, would assume that "necking" is completely within the bounds of propriety after a definite engagement. But is it? Let's look rationally at facts unconsidered in the almost universal assumption. What about premarital sexual intercourse between engaged couples? Does it help prepare for adjustment in marriage — or does it prevent or make more difficult that adjustment? What are the true facts? The "New Morality" trend has changed the thinking — and the behaviour — of a very large portion of young people. Perhaps the overwhelming majority. These "emancipated" moderns view premarital sex as entirely acceptable between engaged couples. Such experience is fast coming to have public acceptance even where there is no engagement.
WHY Premarital Sex is SIN!
It seems so hard for humans to realize that whatever is becoming customary is not necessarily good. But there is a LAW! Put your hand on a red-hot stove, and your hand will be painfully burned! But people can't seem to understand WHY they can't put their hands on red-hot stoves, and not be burned! These inexorable LAWS are coon, not bad! They are THE WAY to well-being, happiness, enjoyable living! People can't seem to believe that. Let's see what are the inevitable results of actual experience! Look at a couple of case histories. Here is an actual experience brought to the editors of this book for counselling and help in finding a way out. A couple in high school, age fifteen, began "going steady." Dates usually ended in a parked car. The boy made the usual advances. Boys usually go as far as they are allowed. Boys pride themselves on having a "clever line." They can twist truth, and make wrong seem so right! Occasionally this girl submitted. Of course the boy was sexually aroused as soon as his arm slipped around the girl. She was not. Actually she didn't really want sex intercourse. In spite of the modern immoral drift, she knew it "wasn't nice." But boys with a line are hard to resist. Though she often protested, "I'M not interested," she did frequently give in. The boy was ignorant about sex. He merely followed the pull of his nature. He didn't wait for girl-arousal. He didn't know about the preparation phase of sexual intercourse. He plunged right in where angels most certainly would fear to tread. Now, some years later, this fellow admits he got "a temporary thrill" out of each conquest. He then supposed the thrill was physical — sexual. In reality, he now admits, it was more psychological, mental, and emotional. It was primarily the thrill of conquest — of "putting it over" and breaking down the girl's resistance. Before completing high school they decided to marry. Parents consented, without giving it the forethought parents should. He married the girl, he now says, "for sex." But "sex" is not the right MOTIVE for getting married — and can only lead, generally, to tragedy. One of the reasons God created sex was to make marriage possible — but He did not institute marriage merely to be an outlet for sex. There's a vast difference! The girl, she now confesses, married him because she wanted to "get away from parental discipline," and have a home of her own. If she had been given the right kind of parental discipline she would not have fled it! In marriage, the girl "submitted," as a wife, to his sex passion. But the young husband suddenly found the "thrill" missing! There was no longer the chase — the spirit of conquest. No longer was there the self-gratification of winning the psychological battle! There was only physical gratification. There never had been any real LOVE for the girl. Always it had been self-seeking — self-desire — never outgoing concern. The sex relationship in marriage, under these conditions, became cheap! He knew he could go out and satisfy his physical desires with any other loose woman. He did not respect the girl who had been so easy for him to "make" prior to marriage. In this marriage, there was NO LOVE expressed for, or toward the other, by either mate. There was only the attitude of getting — not giving or sharing. All this occurred during the Korean war. Soon he was in the army. There he committed adultery repeatedly. She gave in to other men at home. The result was divorce! Fornication, for this young man, had been a wholly selfish act of physical gratification. It warped his thinking! It perverted his outlook! It robbed him of the precious God-endowed capacity for LOVE, with honor, respect, and outgoing concern. And she had robbed herself of the priceless, God-intended, joyous privilege of being respected, loved and cherished.
Does Premarital Experience Help Marital Adjustment?
Another case history. These were college students, both of respected families of good social standing. They thought they were well-informed about sex, including contraceptive knowledge. Their frequent sex relations were secretly and carefully planned. They were sure "nobody would know." But after a few months the girl discovered she was pregnant. "We reasoned," the young man said later, "that it was nobody's business but ours. It involved only ourselves — so we thought! But we had to learn — the hard way — that what we were doing involved both our families, their social connections, our respective churches, the college where we were students, and quite a host of people. And it involved, most of all, the child that was illegitimately conceived. These brief moments of occasional fleeting pleasure have now caused real pain, suffering, and disappointment to many other people. I guess it's true — nothing is ever done in a vacuum." Of course the "educated" and "scientific" world rejects all knowledge of the invisible but living LAWS of God. It seeks answers by purely physical, experimental, and research expedients. Research studies have attempted to arrive at the final answer to the question: "Does premarital experience affect later marital happiness — and if so, how?" They have found that those who had indulged in sex relations prior to marriage were less well-adjusted in marriage than those who married without previous experience. But they found so many complicating factors they could arrive at no "scientific" conclusion. Premarital experience nearly always must be carried on under very unsatisfactory conditions, as to environment, need for secrecy, psychological disturbances, fear of pregnancy and/or possibility of venereal disease, and many other impeding and unsatisfactory factors. A couple in a large university began "going steady." Since premarital sex was the accepted custom, they indulged in "the usual." The girl, a brilliant all — A student, became pregnant. They decided immediately they had to marry. But they didn't tell their parents about the pregnancy. Both parents objected violently. The young man's parents were socially prominent, the girl's were not — though the girl's parents were actually of superior intellectual level. The girl had career ambitions, expecting to continue on in graduate school to work for a Ph.D. Of course her career dreams were now shattered. It was only after the students confessed the pregnancy that the parents consented to the marriage. The marriage was never happy. The young wife was bitterly resentful of being unable to continue her career. She resented her baby. She allowed this resentment to be transferred to her husband. Although she had consented to sexual intercourse before marriage — because it seemed to be "the thing to do," she became frigid in marriage. The young husband began going elsewhere for sex. The marriage ended in divorce. "We're going to be married, anyway," argue many engaged people. "So what's the difference?"
Engagement Period Conduct
What's the difference! It's the difference between SIN and righteousness — between RUINING the marriage, and SAVING it for a true God-plane relationship — between corroding and seriously detracting from this lifelong companionship, and keeping it clean, pure, and full of joy. An engagement, as considered today, is not a marriage. It is merely the understanding or agreement between a man and woman that they intend to become married. But the engagement does not involve the marriage vow. Sexual intercourse prior to the actual marriage vow is FORNICATION, and the Law of God is inexorable — it will exact the penalty — CAPITAL PUNISHMENT! It is, in the sight of God, as great a crime as MURDER! Read again Chapters 8 and 9. Catch anew a vision of the sacredness — the supreme God-plane blessing of the marriage and family relationship, bestowed on no other creatures or kind of life except human! It ought to be looked forward to by the bride as the very PINNACLE of human experience! A bride should — and many do — have dreams of the coming marriage so idealistic and lofty they touch heaven! To commit fornication prior to that wedding is to profane that sacred state of marriage — to drag it through a filthy cesspool into the depths of degradation. Any man who would suggest, or make advances toward, such a defiling of his marriage is not fit to enter that sacred relationship. And any woman who would submit to it is not fit to be the mother of her husband's children! But what about plain "necking"? This, it has been made plain in the 15th chapter, is a PART — and the most important and necessary part — of sexual intercourse! Therefore IT IS FORNICATION! What, then, are the true facts? They are far different from modern immoral customs! The engaged couple should be doubly careful to avoid any form of love-making by physical contact in any way! Doubly careful because of the temptation to say: "Oh well — we're going to be married anyway," and so be unable to resist the temptation to continue on into fornication. This is not to say that a fond embrace and a kiss — if not prolonged — are wrong. But remember, the male is sexually aroused in five to ten seconds — or less. Any such embrace or kiss ought never be prolonged sufficiently to produce arousal and desire. This is the time to practice self-restraint. This is the time to demonstrate honor with power of WILL. These facts in themselves argue strongly against prolonged engagements. It is far better for young people resolutely to put thoughts of marriage out of mind until they are qualified to assume the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Until you reach this status, date different ones. But avoid "getting serious."
Fallacious Ideas
There are certain fallacious ideas held more or less generally by those not properly informed. Some young men, and many girls, become engaged believing that the relative sizes of sexual organs may become a serious problem in sexual adjustment after marriage. They wonder if they are properly mated sexually. They may be tempted to experiment to be sure. This is an UTTER FALLACY! God Almighty placed the female hymen at the orifice of the vagina to protect young ladies until marriage. God has set a LAW in living motion that makes fornication a CAPITAL SIN. Would an All-wise, All-loving GOD have made people so that they cannot be sure whether they are mated, unless they commit a CAPITAL SIN to find out? You may be SURE that God, in His wisdom, made no such mistake. True, sex organs, like hands, ears, feet, or other parts of the body, do vary slightly in size and shape. But size has nothing to do with being properly mated! No adjustment will be necessary because of any size variations! The smallest vagina is made so that it will stretch sufficiently to allow the passage of a baby's head and shoulders when it is born! And no penis is ever that large! Also the smallest penis will fit perfectly into the vagina of a man's wife — regardless of whom he marries! You do need to be sure you are properly mated — mentally, socially, religiously, emotionally, and that you are IN LOVE! But forget the sex until you are married. The GREAT GOD has seen to it that you'll be mated in that one category in which HE forbids premarital experimenting! Many a bride has become nervous as the wedding approaches, in real fear that she may discover that the husband's penis is so large it might cause severe pain. THAT IS AN UNFOUNDED FALLACY! The only reason some wives — and they have been MANY — have experienced severe pain upon penetration of a husband's penis, is because both have been IGNORANT of the need of the preparation that comes with preliminary LOVEMAKING. If they will be careful to follow the instruction in Chapter 15, and the husband will be careful, considerate, and gentle, there will be no cause for concern. Even then there may, occasionally, be a case where entrance must be slow, careful, and gentle. But any considerate and informed husband can co-operate to avoid any difficulty. Some boys believe that continence will reduce sex vitality. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. Total refraining from sex intercourse, masturbation, or other sex outlet DOES NO HARM WHATSOEVER. But the self-discipline of continence develops character! Many boys and young men think they can detect a homosexual by his appearance, or manner. That is FALSE. Some homosexuals are effeminate. Others are not. Even the Bible recognizes the two kinds. In the 6th chapter of I Corinthians, quoted in an earlier chapter, speaking of those who shall not inherit the Kingdom of God, we find: "Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind... shall inherit the kingdom of God" (verses 9-10). The "effeminate" are one type of homosexual. The "abusers of themselves with mankind" are another type — not effeminate in manner. GOD, in the vernacular, "has their number." Homosexuals reveal themselves only by their behaviour! Some girls, and some wives, believe that if females do not reach orgasm there can be no pregnancy. THAT IS A DANGEROUS bit of ignorance! Orgasm, as previously explained, has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy. All that is necessary for pregnancy is the presence of male semen in the vagina, uterus, or Fallopian tube. Thousands of women have become pregnant through artificial insemination when no man was near, and no sexual arousal occurred. Others have become pregnant when a bit of semen was left outside the vagina, but within the labia majora. A very general false conception is the idea that premarital intercourse is a good and necessary test of marital sex compatibility. JUST THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE. It not only is a CAPITAL SIN — it will give a WRONG ANSWER! Illicit sex must be carried out, in nearly all cases, under strain, sense of guilt, doubt, nervousness — and in poor or improper surroundings. This is about as far as it is possible to get, psychologically, from the circumstances of a happily married couple, knowing God has joined them, and that God now blesses their union. Girls by thousands today are losing emotional stability, moral security, the happy and joyful anticipation of GIVING THEMSELVES to their husbands as virgins on their wedding night — and also risking premarital pregnancy and venereal disease — by following this FALSE idea.
The Wedding Night
Although statistics supplied by the National Research Council indicate as high as 80% of brides, since 1950, enter marriage as nonvirgins, it is believed that a considerably higher portion than 20% of those who shall read this book will be virgins at the time of marriage. The study conducted by this Research Council, however, is shocking, and shows how times have changed. Their statistics show that prior to 1912, 82% of brides entered marriage as virgins — only 18% of all women had "lost their honor," as it was termed in those days. By 1922, 26% had lost their virginity. By 1931 it was 49%. The immorality curve soared upward until by 1937, 68% of brides entered marriage having lost their virginity! And by 1950 an incredible 80% of brides were no longer virgins on their wedding day! And yet some say conditions are not getting worse! Nevertheless, a few, even though a minority, still become brides in full retention of their moral HONOR! And for them, and their well-blessed bridegrooms, some important instruction must be given. What a WONDERFUL, blessed and thrilling event it ought to be for a young woman who has kept herself a virgin to give herself, at last, to the man of her dreams — the man whom she dearly LOVES — the man to whom God has just joined her in holy wedlock FOR LIFE! Most assuredly this is the pinnacle of human emotional experience for a right-minded young woman of high ideals! The wedding night will be a spiritual, as well as a physical experience. But the crux of the physical experience is that of def lo ration — the removal of the hymen. By now it shall have served its purpose. There are two ways of accomplishing the defloration. One is by stretching, the other must be by rupture. In a very small percentage of women the hymen is sufficiently flexible that it may be stretched during the first experience of intercourse, without the necessity of being broken. In such cases — and they are somewhat rare — if the penis is very slowly and carefully introduced, it may be wedged in gradually. There will be a certain drawing pain, but if preceded by preparatory caressing and love-making until arousal is experienced, and a sexual desire has been stimulated, this pain will be mixed with sensations of pleasure. It may take several minutes, under careful pressure, but it may thus be possible to produce complete penetration of the penis without tearing the hymen — merely stretching it. This may need to be repeated several times in the same manner, and finally the hymen will completely relax. The defloration will have been completed in a bloodless and comparatively painless manner. But in most women, the opening through the hymen will be too small to allow this stretching process. In such cases, the penis must be thrust with sufficient power — but not necessarily rapidly — to break open the hymen. Yet the husband ought not to do the thrusting — but the wife as we shall explain.
Fallacious Ideas Again
Both men and women often have ridiculous and unfounded ideas about this act of defloration. Many a bridegroom has worried for fear he may be unable to accomplish it. But every normal man will have a penis of sufficient stoutness to break the hymen. Besides, he should not do it — but the bride. Some women, on the other hand, are seized with fear of being "torn apart." This is due to ignorance! It seems too bad that the 80% of unmarried nonvirgins didn't worry more about it — or the approximately 95% of males who have had premarital experience! There need be only slight pain to the bride — and that, in such manner that she may control it, as well as when and how it occurs, herself!
Let the Bride Do It
On this particular night, of all times, there should be no direct contact of the sex organs until after there has been love-making in abundance. The preparation must be fully carried out, first. The bride must be brought to arousal and desire. The vaginal area must be thoroughly lubricated. Then, when the wife is ready, let the penis be placed at the entrance to the vagina. A clumsy bridegroom may not know where to find it. The wife should not be too timid to guide the penis to the right spot. Then, the husband should remain rigidly STILL! He should not attempt to plunge on through the hymen — for that might really cause pain. Instead, while he holds rigidly still, the wife should do the pushing. She will soon learn whether the penis can be slowly wedged in. Probably not! And if not, it must be powerfully thrust on through — but while the husband remains rigidly and firmly still. She knows what pain she can stand — and when she does the shoving, she knows when the pain is coming! In most cases, it will not be great. And it will be accompanied with great joy, and also with pleasurable and voluptuous sensations and delights! In very rare cases, the hymen will prove too thick and stubborn to be broken in this manner. If success is not attained the first night it is attempted, try again the next night. And, if necessary, a third. If it appears that it is going to be impossible, then go to a physician, and he can open the hymen with a very simple, harmless, and probably painless surgery. But by all means avoid the surgeon if possible. Some "authorities" recommend going to the surgeon for this defloration prior to marriage. But we answer, NEVER!
The Wedding, and the Attitude
Forty-five or fifty years ago many young men would discuss the idea of whether they should not wait a night or two after the wedding before approaching their brides sexually. The theory was that a bride would be so nervous after her wedding that she ought to be given a day or two of quiet and relaxation. But times have changed. The average bride, today, wants her husband to approach her sexually on the wedding night. Still, there is certainly no harm in any considerate bridegroom taking the precaution to ask his bride if she wants to wait. But, unless the bride is completely done in, and upset with nervousness, the husband surely ought to take her into his arms in bed, and quiet her nerves with LOVE! It is certainly to be recommended that he do this first, and delay any questions about deferring the sexual contact until LOVE has been expressed — unless she herself asks otherwise. Every bridegroom ought to realize the bride's psychological situation on her wedding day. It is her greatest hour! In most cases she will be leaving her parents and her home. She is embarking on a new and different life. If there is a reception following the wedding ceremony, the bridegroom (and, of course, also the bride) should be careful, if any alcoholic beverages are served, either to abstain, or to partake with extreme temperance. He must retain complete mental and physical alertness. He may be driving a car immediately afterward. He must be completely sober as he takes his bride into his arms on the wedding night. To ruin this night might be to ruin the marriage for life. Above all, he must now show consideration, tenderness, kindness, and love as never before to the girl he has married — and this must continue into the wedding night. He should realize solemnly that the purpose of this night is not to give him pleasure. Only a selfish ignoramus would consider it so. This should be her night. Many a wedding is wrecked for life on the wedding night. Many a bride has been cruelly raped by a self-centered, ignorant lout who was seeking only his own gratification. This, above all, is the night to be gentle, tender, considerate, and loving. This is perhaps the most critical night of his life — and hers! The fate of the lifelong, or divorce — short marriage is at stake! First impressions are lasting. Make your bride's first impression of sex one of respect, admiration of her husband, and of God-ordained LOVE and TENDERNESS and consideration! And, finally, a few very necessary cautions. The bride-to-be should, of course, be careful to set the wedding shortly after a menstrual period — being very careful in her calculation — and leaving a safe margin for error, or irregularity due to the nervous tension of the time. The bridegroom should REALIZE, and NOT FORGET, that on this wedding night above all, he must not embarrass his bride. If she wishes to undress in privacy, give her the opportunity. When ready for bed, REMEMBER, nearly all women want either darkness or very subdued light. That's one of the differences between human male and female. Remember, too, that although the Maker of us all made the female body to be attractive, beautiful, and even sex-arousing to the male, the female mind is altogether different. No man should display his body, or especially the pubic region before the new bride — above all on this wedding night. The fact that God talked to the first man and his wife in their complete nudity — that they were not ashamed (Gen. 2:25) and God made no effort at that time to cover them — does indicate that God imposes no command that husband and wife always be covered before each other. It is after the public — other people — "ALL LIVING" — are mentioned, in Genesis 3:20, that God (verse 21) clothed them. This would indicate that there is no prohibition against nudity between husband and wife in the privacy of their own bedroom. But, REGARDLESS, no bridegroom ought to embarrass or shock his new bride by displaying his body, or demanding that she display hers, on this wedding night. Take plenty of time to get used to one another! As you value your future marriage together, BE CAREFUL — avoid embarrassment — take time! Read again the instruction given in Chapter 15 about how a husband and wife ought to appear before each other in bedroom privacy — the bedclothes, undergarments, careful grooming. The new husband should not think of this wedding night as a night of sensual pleasure — but a night of LOVE! This is the most critical night of his life! The fate of a lifelong marriage could be at stake. The experience of this night may determine the bride's attitude toward the sexual relationship for life! And her attitude is the ALL-IMPORTANT thing! She has, in all probability from girlhood, had an idealistic picture in her mind of marriage and husband. Don't destroy it!
All-Important Bride's Attitude
The CURSE of so many millions of marriages through the centuries has been the attitude of wives toward it — and toward the sexual relation. This attitude, of course, has been formed by false repressive teachings, and by ignorance. The reader of this volume is blessed with the right and proper teaching, and with true and wholesome knowledge. Still, much of the entire lifelong marriage relationship depends on a right attitude on the part of the wife. The properly instructed bride, with a correct view of love and marriage, looks forward to this moment — the wedding night — as the fulfillment of the purpose of her youth. She has accepted the right man. He is her ideal. She is in love. She doesn't fear him as a stranger. As he now takes her into his arms, she happily and impulsively embraces him. She must now realize that he is the complement of her mind and body. Alone, she has been incomplete, imperfect. He is the stronger of the two. Now they are to be joined as ONE. His strength is to be added to — combined with — her weaker nature. This is the moment for her to simply give herself to him — to surrender herself to him — in loving embrace, and in the pleasure and ecstasy of the moment. As one writer has stated it, this surrender to her husband is a modest tribute to be paid for the present and future happiness of marriage and motherhood!
Conclusion
In final conclusion, remember that sex, in humans, was designed and created by the Ever-Living, All-wise GOD as the symbol of LIFE (for through it human life is begotten) and the expression of LOVE. The Eternal God is working out His greatest and grandest PURPOSE here below. That purpose is the reproduction of His own Kind — holy, righteous and perfect CHARACTER in the divine FAMILY of the Ever-Living God! Humans, physically begotten and born through sex, may be spiritually begotten and divinely BORN of GOD — entering the ETERNALLY LIVING GOD FAMILY! As physical reproduction is the type and forerunner of spiritual begettal and glorification, so marital LOVE is the type of Christ's LOVE for His Church, and our love for Christ. The wife's giving of herself, in the ecstasy of love and in obedience, to her husband, is the type and physical counterpart of those in God's Church giving themselves, in love and obedience, to the Christ who bought and paid for us with His life's blood! God Almighty is the source of LIFE, and of LOVE. Human sex is the symbol and physical counterpart of both — the source of physical LIFE, and marital LOVE. These are holy, righteous, and sacred things! The marriage and family relationships are GOD-PLANE relationships, which God shares with humans, and humans only! A perverted, hostile devil has deceived his world into two extremes away from this beautiful and central TRUTH. First, he represented sex — physical sources of LIFE and marital LOVE — as something degrading, shameful and evil. Today he leads people to the opposite extreme away from TRUTH, into accepting the perverted and profaned and lustful uses of sex as being acceptable and good. In this volume those lying, foul, deceptively false attitudes have been exposed, and the blessed TRUTH made plain. But remember, the all-important thing is MENTAL ATTITUDE! Most marriages are rendered unhappy by wrong attitudes. Most people marry for selfish purposes. They think only of what they can GET from the other. They want to extract gratification, pleasure, money, security, or something for SELF from the mate. True outgoing concern and LOVE is usually lacking. It is hoped that this volume shall have brought to many thousands a right knowledge of the TRUTH — helped thousands to a changed and right attitude toward sex, toward wife or husband, toward life, and toward God. God's Law is THE WAY to every happiness — whether in marriage, in business — in LIFE. If you are one whose marriage has not been happy — perhaps "on the rocks" — change your attitude. Follow God's LAWS. Avoid the penalties of unhappiness, troubles, and curses. Reap the joys of divinely intended blessings! If you are unmarried, follow these living inexorable LAWS — seek God's wisdom and guidance in the selection of a mate when the right time comes — trust the Living God. He has a deep and tremendous outgoing concern for you. Get your attitude toward sex cleaned up and in harmony with the Maker's purposes. Avoid every misuse or perversion. Reap the glorious rewards a loving God has intended and made available! The editors and producers of this volume wish God's richest blessings on every reader — and they will be yours if your attitude and your actions are in harmonious obedience to God's Laws and His TRUTH!
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